Ring Announcer

Luke “The Duke” McMuffClit

Born in Salt Lake City, Utah, John moved out to a small suburb early in life. His parents were very religious; his father was a pastor. His mother, however, was Barbara Streisand. Valmer spent a lot of time commuting from home to school to the church as he was growing up. His mother incessantly complained that her life was cut short by marrying his father.
One fateful Fourth of July, John was introduced to boxing during a party at the neighbor’s. It was then that he met the neighbors’ son who became his best friend. Together, they would watch boxing matches and comment on what was happening. They also, at the age of eight, were alcoholics. When they actually tried boxing one another, John was beaten to a bloody pulp and decided to leave the fighting to the bigger kids.
At the age of 12, Valmer got into a fight with an older kid from school over the recent deflowering of the older boy’s significant other by Valmer. Yes, he was just that good. He lost the fight quickly. When he was about to be thrown thrown off a ladder and into a table, Valmer’s friends showed up and beat the crap out of the older kid, who was completely alone. It was somewhat sad. But it became absolutely badass when one of the friends performed a DDT through the table to the kid, who subsequently went into a coma. Shocked and awed by what he’d just saw, Valmer had discovered Professional Wrestling.
The boys then watched pro wrestling together every weekend. Eventually, they began to have backyard wrestling matches, wherein Valmer would commentate and announce the wrestlers’ entrance; he was still too small to fight. These were the days of his life – getting drunk with his best friends and watching them kick the crap out of eachother.
After high school ended, Valmer told his father that he didn’t want to go to college. Instead, he and his friends wanted to become professionals. His father becomes furious and blames Barbara for allowing his son to become so obsessed. He beats her with a Bible until Valmer himself throws a haymaker at his father and, yes, DDTs him through a table. Onto a chair. While singing a theme song (a mix between Boston’s Foreplay/Long Time and Phil Collin’s In the Air Tonight). The mother is brought to the hospital and the father disappears mysteriously. At the hospital, Barbara Streisand tells her son to keep wrestling because it’s what he does best. She dies. Even though she had severe brain damage, John takes her seriously and heads out to Los Angeles to see Wrestlegeddon and to audition for a gig in the area.
By the time they’ve reached LA, the Gang of FUS (Fucked-Up Shit) as they’ve named themselves  have done a few gigs and they’d lost one member in a freak barbed wire baseball bat accident. Before he died, he told Valmer to “Keep Wrestling.” So they arrive at the show and are immediately told to leave; their request for an audition also fails. So they decide to fight their way in. They legit wrestle every person who comes to stop them. There are a couple of piledrivers, a stunner or two, and one crippler crossface. That guy gets shot. As he’s dying he looks at Valmer and says, “Keep wrestling.” They fight their way into the stadium and as the show is starting they run down the aisle into the ring. Whence there, Valmer grabs the microphone and announces them:

Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages. What you’re about to see here will make Uganda look like a pre-school playground! The Gang of FUS is gonna rock the bus so why not fuck shit up with us?
It is an epic moment. The crowd cheers and some of their brains explode. The women have orgasms and give birth unexpectedly. Then the group is arrested and tried for murder of four officers. Valmer is let off the hook, having only been creepily announcing the fighting, not partaking in it. His friends are sentenced to death. And while they are being executed they tell him to keep wrestling.
Valmer takes a job working on Regis and Kelly in Los Angeles. One day, someone in the audience recognizes him from the epic Wreslemageddon event and offers him a job at Northwestern’s Wrestlepocalypse III. He declines. He is then fired for getting Kelly pregnant and accept the job at NU, realizing he can finally get back in touch with his roots.